Trying to Stay Hopeful/Positive

Well, it’s the day after Christmas, and once again, I had another dizzy attack this morning at 5am. To keep all of us sane, we decided to have a big slumber party at Marnie’s [they had us bike home around 3 on Christmas Day]. We were all feeling a little homesick, so it was nice to be together. I got up 3 times during the night to go pee, and then at 5am on the dot, I woke up to my world completely ending. I wanted to die. I am pretty sure I screamed/started moaning, because Lizzy and Marnie came rushing into the living room area and there I was, on the floor, pretty much naked, sweating, writhing on the floor. Sound pretty? It wasn’t. It was disgusting. I broke out into the most insane sweat, my head was on fire, the rest of my body cold… the girls were freaking out. Then, of course, I got violently ill… I was like, someone needs to help me get out of this house before I throw up all over Marnie’s nice linoleum floor. Poor Lizzy, she literally had to carry me to the latrine area where I completely wanted to end my life. My world was spinning, my stomach was cramping, I was sweaty and hot and wanted to die. After that, I dragged my sleeping bag outside and crawled into it by the latrine, not leaving until 10am when the sun came out and it started getting hot. Then I crawled back inside and lied on Marnie’s couch until I biked home around 1. And here I am, feeling not the best, but not feeling the worst, either. Just confused, and scared. I wanted to come home so bad today… I can’t even begin to describe how awful the dizziness is. I literally feel like I am dying. I don’t know what’s going on and that scares me, considering I am thousands of miles [and an ocean] away from home.

Anyway. Bedtime is usually my favorite part of the day, but now I am terrified to go to sleep, because that’s when the dizziness comes. If it would just come and go away, that’d be one thing, but it completely consumes my entire day. Not so fun. And I’m getting a bit sick of crying/wanting to be home. I just need to be well, figure this out, and get on with my life here. I am here only. I am here because I want to be, and I do want to make changes and get started on my projects. It would be a shame for something like this to cause me to go home… ugh but if it keeps up, I may start panicking. Coincidence that this always happens on Fridays, 2 days after I take my larium, one day after I eat Durango?

Anyway. I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas :o]